Now that the beta test of the next version of XenServer is underway, Citrix is also preparing a new offering, Citrix Non-Essentials for XenServer, with many of the features none of our users have requested.

The first release, codenamed “Project Midnight, Not a Sound on the Pavement,” will include the following non-essential features:

  • Washload Balancing – so the washer and dryer won’t make that annoying vibrating sound (with new Dynamic Washload Balancing, separating the red socks from the whites so your underwear doesn’t turn pink)
  • Assistant Stage Management – similarly to what a theatrical ASM does for the stars, this function rounds up the sysadmin from the pub so he makes it to work on time, or if he’s too drunk, calls in his backup
  • Memory balloon-animals so your kids can be entertained while you manage your virtual infrastructure
  • Hi! Availability – Which gives you a nice welcome message every time you log in to XenCenter
  • StorageBlink – An virtual harddisk light visible in XenCenter
  • “Lab” Manager – which will walk your dog for you – now including the Self-Scooping interface
  • Substance Recovery Manager – a twelve-step process for business continuity, working one day at a time

Guests have been enhanced to include MPM and SMB support – so you can run Ms. Pac-Man and Super Mario Brothers right on the hypervisor.

XenCenter for the Atari 2600, Commodore 64, TRS-80 Model 3, and IBM 1402 punch-card reader will be included, as well as XenAPI language bindings for JCL, APL, and pig-latin.

(Thanks to Joel Stocker.)